Its been raining for two days. I don't mind it. I find the rain soothing at times, especially when I am having trouble sleeping. I love waking in the middle of the night to the sound of it drumming against my air conditioner. During the day it can be a bit of a nuisance, especially when I have to travel between school buildings. It is hard to go from building to building and keep my paperwork and work stuff dry, but other wise, I don't mind it.

Today feels very much like a fall day, wet leaves making the roads shiny with their colorful presence. I love this time of year, just before the rush of Holidays when I can just admire the beauty of the day and fall into the ease of the evening after work. I love cooking and knowing that something hot and delicious will tantalize my mouth. I love not having to rush anywhere and to be able to just listen to the wind and the leaves blowing about knowing that soon, very soon winter will be upon us.

For tonight, I will relish the sounds of the cool evening, the sounds of the wind blowing and I will be grateful that I don't have to work tonight.

I was nervous about calling but I needed to ask him something. There are certain things that I've grown accustomed to, in which he is the one that I rely on. Some of those things are questions about technical things. His sister answers the phone, it is awkward for things had gotten ugly at times and now I just wanted to tell her how very much I liked her and admired her.

He picks up the line and its like a light of warmth comes through the line. I ask how he is and he says he is happy. The tears well up for I can sense it and feel it. Its like the heaviness is gone and is replaced by the lightness of a soul. I don't cry because I am sad, which I am in many ways but more, because I am happy. Happy for this child man that I love.

His lightness persists in his words and I can't really explain it but its as if I can feel the warmth of it penetrating my being. I almost wanted to reach out and touch his face and say "see I knew you would be because your journey was not to end with me". He tells me he misses me sometimes and my heart aches because I feel as if my child has left his nest and I can't watch over him anymore and I can't help but let the tears run their course. I want to hug him and tell him that I am not far from reach if he should ever need me. I know that we cannot be together for that is really not the purpose of us.

As we finish our simple conversation, I have a lump in my throat and I can barely get that very small word out "goodbye". He is my Allen forever.

The rain is light but consistent. I sit here, in the quiet of my rental apartment, examining my finances, paying bills and wondering when and how I will be able to plant my feet and feel like I've finally landed home.

The sound of the rain hitting the air conditioner soothes me. I am still in my PJ's feeling quite lazy and introspective. My coffee is not quite as hot as I like it and I debate whether I should get off the couch and heat another cup. I like this quiet. I like sitting with my aloneness and letting myself feel what ever it is that I feel. Things could get messy in the coming months, what with Jon applying for colleges, my added payment of a new car, the mortgage on a house, my rent for the apartment and all the other incidentals, I should probably feel something of a bit of panic. Yet, I don't, I don't feel scared. Maybe I should be. Maybe I am delusional and have this Pollyannaish attitude that will not serve me well. Maybe my faith in God is helping me. I don't know really. I just know that I wake each day hopeful.

I think I will just have that second cup of coffee and I will sit, close my eyes and let the sound of rain fill me and for today I will believe that it will all be OK.

Just in time for Winter, sleet, and snow and not to mention all those aggressive drivers, my 17 year old gets his license. Due to the fact that we are but a one car family, we had to get another car. So this was how it all went down.

October 8th - At 8 am we join all the other young anxious drivers at the lineup for DMV drivers test. An hour of waiting puts my son in an extreme state of nervous chatter. He is laughing quite loud at his own humor. I laugh a nervous kind of laugh.

9:10 - a very serious woman comes to the passenger window and requests forms. We hand them over. She dismisses me to the corner on the street where all the other mothers wait in their work clothes looking uptight with deep lines on their forehead.

9:20 - My car pulls out, lady hands Jon a piece of paper. She gets out, smiles at me and walks over to next anxious teenager. I get in car. Jon, " I passed". I sigh very very deeply.

I drive him to school. After school his first question, "mom can I have the car, I need to go to the mall"? Me, "sighing heavily again yet not wanting to make him feel my fears. "Sure honey, just be care". I hold back because really, I have a list about 10 feet long of instructions, directions, alerts and rules that I'd like to impart on my eager teen.

He leaves. I am in my bedroom organizing (makes me feel in control when I have none). My friend Lisa calls and I notice it is dark out. I start to cry deeply and loudly, she being an expert by now, says "oh, don't cry". After we hang up I continue to sob, scared at this stage of my life. Terrified at the possibilities. I throw up.

I was thinking of my mother, who will soon turn 93. She often comes to mind when I am going through a major life change. My mother has always been the strongest person I know. As a child I found her formidable and at times unapproachable, as an adult she is my treasured friend. Her strength use to scare me, now it gives me courage to face my own life and my fears.

My life is once again in a challenging place. Not horrible, but not what one would call easy. I am separated from my husband, he has moved to Indiana and eventually I will be divorced once again. My son will soon graduate from High School and I will face what I thought would not come again...an empty house.

I visit my mother weekly or as often as I can. She lives in a city apartment by herself. Her disposition and outlook is to be admired and at times envied. For the longest time it had not dawned on me that my mother is getting old. Only recently, did I allow the thought to enter my mind as I watch her struggle getting up from the chair, as I watch her slow, steady and conscientious steps. She smiles at me always with confidence. She is quick to tell me humorous stories and tales from the neighborhood. Stories about friends or people on TV. There is a soft and quiet peacefulness that soaks into me when I am with her.

As I get ready to head home, I kneel in front of her, pulling her body into me and smelling her. She smells like home, like childhood. As I hold her, I know with certainty that she raised me to be strong like her. As she smooths my hair and puts her hands on my face, without words she lets me know that she see's me exactly as I've seen her. Strong and formidable. Without words my mother fills me with her love and her faith in me.

This is a post I started many months ago.
My marriage is ending by my choice and though I understand and know this to be what is best for me, the heart is breaking slowly and surely. For reasons that really don't matter nor do I wish to detail, after three years I am calling it quits. I think of all the songs and movies ever written depicting the one being left as the hero and the one leaving as the villain and I wonder if any one ever took the time to understand and get insight into how very difficult and painful it is to be the one to leave. This is my second marriage. I had such high hopes for a marriage filled with understanding, love and commitment.

I like being married, I like the smells and sounds of it. I like having someone to sleep with at night. I like the sense of belonging that you get when you look at your partner. As I begin anew, I know that the road ahead will be a difficult one. That the challenges will be many, not just because of my marriage ending but because each event in our lives triggers a tsunami of others.
I am working on preparing myself for these things.

My husband is a man that I love, he is someone whose presence in my life has taught me many things. At times the journey was painful, but at times it was beautiful. He is right about one thing, "I don't have what it takes". I don't have what it takes to have a relationship with him. It was difficult, painful, and so much more work that it had to be. As I watched my wedding video, I wonder if my tears then were from happiness or from fear that it would end.

At this point, there is anger, resentment and much sadness. I hope that one day, we can each look back and perhaps see the gifts the other gave. I hope that one day we can reach out to each other again. I have no regrets, I married the man that I love.

I just realized its close to another holiday, Halloween and I have not been blogging since early September, actually, another holiday - Labor Day. It might turn out to be a convenient thing to just blog around Holidays. This takes away the stress of realizing how little time I have to blog, having to come up with more blogging ideas (Im sure you've noticed my ineptitude of late), and not feeling guilty every time I tune in and notice how much time has passed.

Well, the truth be told, is that I am obsessed. Obsessed with politics, economics and more politics. I spend enormous amounts of time reading blogs on the upcoming elections. The Huffington Post is one of my favorites which I used to just read in the mornings but have increasingly been abnormally enthralled by lately, sometimes reading it at various intervals throughout the day for fear I might miss some new neo-con brilliance. I have joined the campaigning band wagon for Obama. I try to volunteer as much as I can and have often thought of taking the next for weeks off to go volunteer. Of course, considering the course our economy is taking, I seriously control my impulsive thoughts and limit it to just doing it when I can. I need my job, especially when job security is so precious. I try not to watch Fox News for members of its journalistic staff have at time turned me into a person who throws things at the TV and uses words that are more than just colorful. At times I can be quite poetic with these words if I do say so myself.
I do have to say thankfully, that my obsession with the media and economics saved me big bucks in my 401. After much obsessive reading, I decided back in May 2008 to flip my portfolio to only 20% stocks. Much to my reps disappointment, I made a wise choice for the time being. I am, I must admit a scardycat and don't like to take chances with my only savings.

I am a bit worried for myself after November 4th. What will I do when it is over and I no longer find the thrill I have found in the past weeks. I might well become seriously depressed. My worse fear though, what if Obama loses? Dear God just saying it makes me want to cross myself. If that happens, I have seriously warned my family that I will be moving out of the country. Palin scares the bejesus out of me, seriously - wink, wink, you betcha.

Im thinking Uraguay seems lovely.